A Spring Untapped
That's the best title I can think of. Just bear with me. Lately a lot of things have been happening to me where I've been exploring a lot of past issues. The feeling is a bit weird because all this time, I've been unconsciously burying it, like I'm trying to ignore it somehow. What I had forgotten all seems to come back in living color sometimes. I don't know how much I can really disclose, but whatever tidbits I have, I'll give.

I had almost forgotten that I kept a hard-cover journal during my last year at Davis. I read it recently. The mood of all of the entries seemed to connote a searching or a certain longing about me. In some entries, it seems that I had quite a flavor of despair as well. It's interesting to see how far that I've come, what's changed, and what still remains the same. Most eerie of entries was one where I ponder what is perhaps the greatest question of all times: WHY? The whole thing is written with a spookiness of a horror novel. I never meant for it to turn out that way. I guess I tried really hard in tackling this one. What's interesting to note is that some of these were written at around 4am. Go figure.

Had an interesting conversation with an acquaintance of mine yesterday. What started as a casual conversation over AIM turned out to being a counseling session over his past flame, the temper he had boiling inside him growing up, and his thoughts on spiritual things. I think its interesting because it seems to make him more real as a person to me. On a related note, sometimes there's a certain fulfillment in hearing outher people's stories. This is something that I've learned in my past years of counseling other people. Of them, I've spoken to college freshmen, possible suicide victims, former devil-worshippers, athletes, trauma victims, and so forth. If there's any one thing that I've learned, it is this: Listen. And just listen.

I've never had much respect for those who try and solve someone else's problems so quickly. Your intentions may be good, but you need to consider the perceptions of the recipient. It comes across as insincere. One must realize that people aren't always necessarily looking for solutions or want problems to be solved. It's human nature to express and want to be heard. Given that, why not do everything to help facilitate that? Just listen. Ask questions. Then listen some more. You can offer advice later, but the listening part is the real reason why you're there. Whatever that case, I'm glad to be able to do this sort of thing for someone every now and then.

I've been writing a paper that is ostensibly called The Grand Undertaking. I don't know what I can say other that I've been writing a lot and I still feel like I'm still miles away from coming to any sort of ending. Trying to recall the past and explain what it means seems to be very tiring. I wonder sometimes where I'm going with this. I guess I just want to make some sense of it all.

Last night before I went to sleep, I dug out an old Steven Curtis Chapman CD and played it on my CD alarm clock. I'm reminded of the summer of '95 where I spent summer school in Davis. Even though I was totally loaded down with 16 quarter units during summer, I grew the most as a person in that amount of time. That was a time when I was much stronger and definitely surer of myself. I miss that sometimes. When the song Remember Your Chains came up, a slight amount of tears seemed to well up in my eye. Maybe it was nostalgia. Maybe I'm looking for something. Go figure.