A Spring Untapped
That's the best title I can think of. Just bear with me. Lately a lot of things have been happening to me where I've been exploring a lot of past issues. The feeling is a bit weird because all this time, I've been unconsciously burying it, like I'm trying to ignore it somehow. What I had forgotten all seems to come back in living color sometimes. I don't know how much I can really disclose, but whatever tidbits I have, I'll give.

I had almost forgotten that I kept a hard-cover journal during my last year at Davis. I read it recently. The mood of all of the entries seemed to connote a searching or a certain longing about me. In some entries, it seems that I had quite a flavor of despair as well. It's interesting to see how far that I've come, what's changed, and what still remains the same. Most eerie of entries was one where I ponder what is perhaps the greatest question of all times: WHY? The whole thing is written with a spookiness of a horror novel. I never meant for it to turn out that way. I guess I tried really hard in tackling this one. What's interesting to note is that some of these were written at around 4am. Go figure.

Had an interesting conversation with an acquaintance of mine yesterday. What started as a casual conversation over AIM turned out to being a counseling session over his past flame, the temper he had boiling inside him growing up, and his thoughts on spiritual things. I think its interesting because it seems to make him more real as a person to me. On a related note, sometimes there's a certain fulfillment in hearing outher people's stories. This is something that I've learned in my past years of counseling other people. Of them, I've spoken to college freshmen, possible suicide victims, former devil-worshippers, athletes, trauma victims, and so forth. If there's any one thing that I've learned, it is this: Listen. And just listen.

I've never had much respect for those who try and solve someone else's problems so quickly. Your intentions may be good, but you need to consider the perceptions of the recipient. It comes across as insincere. One must realize that people aren't always necessarily looking for solutions or want problems to be solved. It's human nature to express and want to be heard. Given that, why not do everything to help facilitate that? Just listen. Ask questions. Then listen some more. You can offer advice later, but the listening part is the real reason why you're there. Whatever that case, I'm glad to be able to do this sort of thing for someone every now and then.

I've been writing a paper that is ostensibly called The Grand Undertaking. I don't know what I can say other that I've been writing a lot and I still feel like I'm still miles away from coming to any sort of ending. Trying to recall the past and explain what it means seems to be very tiring. I wonder sometimes where I'm going with this. I guess I just want to make some sense of it all.

Last night before I went to sleep, I dug out an old Steven Curtis Chapman CD and played it on my CD alarm clock. I'm reminded of the summer of '95 where I spent summer school in Davis. Even though I was totally loaded down with 16 quarter units during summer, I grew the most as a person in that amount of time. That was a time when I was much stronger and definitely surer of myself. I miss that sometimes. When the song Remember Your Chains came up, a slight amount of tears seemed to well up in my eye. Maybe it was nostalgia. Maybe I'm looking for something. Go figure.

Problem
Webster's defines it in its second definition that it is: An intricate unsettled question; a source of perplexity, distress, or vexation; difficulty in understanding or accepting.

Well, if this is the case, then I may have a problem. The only question now is whether or not if all problems (or this apparent problem) needs to be remedied. I may be unsettled for one reason or another, but I'm wondering now if its something that will just have to stay an open case for me.

10-8
I've really taken a liking to the the ABC show on Sunday night, 10-8. If you don't know this show, its about these rookie LA Sheriff's deputies who are going through their dreaded probationary period with their respective Training Officers. It's a definite show to watch if you're involved with civil service in any way. Some of the situations they find themselves in is funny. Some of them gut wrenching. Some just leaves you thinking about even life itself. I am however saddened that next Sunday's episode will be the season finale. I read somewhere that the execs at ABC are evaluating whether or not to continue this series. Darn. I hope it makes it to season 2 at least.

I think the reason why the show speaks to me greatly by and large because of the main character and his thoughts on what he sees during his shift. Danny Nucci's character, Deputy Amonte, usually has a voice-over narration in the beginning and the end where he seems to make observations on humanity. He's goes though his mind over things like right and wrong, the state of the modern American family, the short-comings of county social services, and everything else that bothers him. Usually he contrasts that with things he's done growing up or brings up certain biblical principles to examine.

I guess I take a shine to this for a very specific reason. If you've known me for a long time, you may notice that I do this quite a bit. There are many times, where I am angered over, whine, rant, rave, saddened, and even cry about the iniquities of society and why sometimes I feel like I'm powerless to make so much as a dent into it. I guess watching the show brings about a certain comfort to me and to realize that how I feel isn't quite so far-fetched.

Whatever the case, I hope the show continues on.

Artful Things
Last Friday, I bought some posters in an effort to decorate my room. After eating with Alvin and Jen at the Cheesecake Factory, we walked over to Valley Fair and into a poster shop to look at some artful things and whatnot. After looking through some of the stuff they had there, I came across a poster that had all of the major buildings in each of the major US cities. Shown side by side from the West Coast to the East, they had everything from the TransAmerica pyramid in SF to the Empire State Building in NY (with the ghostly double column of light in the background where the Twin Towers has stood). I bought this one.

Another one that I liked (and also bought), was a satellite photo of the earth, with the projection splayed out into a rectangular format. It's interesting to see how green certain parts of the world are while some of it is so stark and barren. Personally, I think its a work of art in itself.

There were some that I liked but did not get for one reason or another. One was a satellite photo of downtown SF. It shows all of the major buildings in the financial district plus part the waterfront along the Embarcadero. Now, why didn't I get this poster? Although Pac Bell Park is in the photo, at the time that this snapshot was taken, it is under construction. So instead of seeing a nice green carpet of grass in with the rest of everything being concrete and asphalt, you see a lot of dump trucks and a lot of tracks made by them. @#%&!!! What an eyesore!

Another poster that almost made its way out the door with me was one of an architectural drawing of the Golden Gate Bridge. I've been looking for this thing for a LONG time. So, why didn't I get it? It was too danged expensive for such a small poster! I guess I'll wait and see if the price goes down.

In the back corner of the poster shop, they had some paintings. There was one that I really liked. It was a picture of a man in a tux ballroom dancing with a lady in a white evening dress. I wonder why I like it so much? Maybe its the soft lighting that the painter put in. Maybe it's the structure of the man and the lady. Perhaps its the very image of it that speaks to me. I don't know. Somehow, I'm given to the conclusion that there's more here than I realize.

Some Recent News
As title implies, nothing too exciting has happened recently (no escaping fireballs, no chasing bad guys in a wild car chase, no out-running a gigantic boulder, etc.). However a lot of little interesting things here and there are going on for me.

Although SJSU still has 2 more weeks until it starts, I've been going to ROTC at SCU since they've already started. I really don't need to be there since my own school hasn't started yet. However, since I'm the CSM for this quarter, I feel that I should be there regardless. See, based on some experiences I've had in life, no matter how inconsquential you may feel that your presence may be, if you're in a leadership role, you should be there regardless. Absentee leadership doesn't really convey any seriousness on the part of other people (regardless of whatever you say). I feel that actions speak louder. That's all.

On another news, I was training at the range with my service 9mm (M9). Got an IDPA match this Saturday. I'm trying to clean up my target acquisition and my DA trigger pull. I can certainly tell you that this is different from bull's eye shooting in that there is a more acceptable amount of deviance from the "X" ring with time and speed being at stake.

It makes sense if you ask me. If a threat is present, taking your sweet time to hit the very center of a target isn't that large of an advantage and can probably get you killed. So, the idea here is that you need to land a shot (sometimes two) into a ring at the center torso so as to effectively strike the center-of-mass with a mimimized chance of hitting an innocent bystander. If this fails to stop the threat, SOP dictates that you should aim for the head. This scares me a little, but that's how it been for a long time.

On something that is less martial in nature, I met up with Pastor Fong of CCIC. He's a pretty cool guy. Had a nice long conversation of theological nature over lunch. I'll be meeting with him next week to talk some more. I have a strange feeling that something interesting is to be gained here. Just a hunch.

In our little world of poker yesterday at Mike's, it ended with me versus Jimmy. Now, I don't know why, but I start thinking really irrationally when I'm forced to ante up in the start of a hand in the later hands. I lost a lot of hands this way. After thinking about it, it really isn't that much different from when all of us were still at the table. Revelation: So what if there's a high ante in the beginning?? Sometimes, you just have to walk away from even that. I'm glad we weren't playing with real money. I'd be smarting right about now. However, I did like going head-to-head against one person in the end. The challenge of trying to figure out your nemesis is quite interesting.

Aftermath and the Grand Undertaking
Much has happened for the past week. Early on, I didn't sleep or eat very well. In fact, I was listless. I can tell you that being aware of many principles of psychology doesn't make you any less or more human. The only thing that seemed to have any remedy was to spend time with people. In fact, I am more than grateful for friends and family. Their time for me to momentarily lay some burdens onto them was beneficial. In fact, I am fortunate to have people around me who are willing to listen. Its comforting to have advice from those who are near and dear to you.

Lately, I have been re-investigating what I consider to be the Grand Undertaking. I'm not sure how to explain this thing of mine other than the notion that this has some epic consquences on my life and how I live it. Just prior to last year, I came to the conclusion of being resigned to it only because I have nothing to lose should I subscribe to it. However, half-assing my way is but another excuse of "sitting on the fence" without any real convictions in any direction. I don't know if I can solve this overnight or throughout my lifetime. Even still, being stuck at a crossroad for the rest of your life is a prospect that I wish not to have.

However, one thing is for certain to me. We as sentient beings cannot prove anything. We can gather evidence with whatever "eyes" we have, but still we cannot prove anything. "Evidence" should never be confused with "proof". So, that leads me to this notion: We as humans can gather as much evidence with whatever means that we can, but it all comes down to making a decision on whatever evidence we have. Sure, we can hold out for more evidence, but that is no end by itself. It still comes back to making a decision. Mark me on this one: Evidence demands a verdict.

On a separate yet related incident, I feel that the canonical "olive branch" needs to be extended to someone. At the advice (perhaps behest) of friends and family, I am advised to wait to handle this with some delicacy for emotions to settle. I am unsure as of how or even when I should try. Whatever the case, I can't simply just leave it be. It just isn't right. Healing is a good thing. Sincerity is too.

Overall, I am well. All this has prompted me to re-visit issues with people on things that happened well over 5 years ago. Before I've realized it, I've been finding closure with past issues in a very short amount of time. This isn't to say that I'm perfect or even close to it. This is just to say that things seem a little clearer. Clarity is good condition to live in.

The Sad Ending of a Good Novel
I wish I had a title more befitting of how I feel right now. It was a nice weekend away. However despite this, I felt a strangeness in the air. It doesn't take a doctor to see that something was amiss. I thought things ended somewhat well. But the strange thing here is that you never really know where it really ends. See, it didn't end when I started coming home. It really ended when I actually got home. From my perspective right this minute, a story (no matter how good it develops) is a depressing one when it just ends on a depressing chapter. In fact, it makes it all the more depressing with that kind of contrast.

I like to think of myself as an objective person, since I take the time to understand all sides of all issues for other people. Strangely, it is this objectiveness that's preventing me from blowing my top. Sure, I'm playing this as cool as I can understandably be. But this still doesn't change or even mask how I feel inside. Honestly, I feel like I've been robbed. I feel like I've been slighted. I feel like there were things that I could have done. Something I could have fixed. OR Perhaps I did nothing wrong? Perhaps all I needed was time?

It's not fair I guess. I knew it never would be. I guess all my thoughts and actions amounted to nothing when the currency that is necessary is still not quite what you got yet. Such is reality. I really don't know what else to think at this point.

The sad irony of all of this with my life's experience is that I accurately predicted that this scenario would turn out this way. Stranger still, this was thought out over 5 years ago, well before this "story" started. I was a different man then. Now I'm on the other side of the fence, the receiving side. It hurts no less.

Right now, I'm playing a Bonnie Raitt song. Take a wild guess which one it is. And to think that I'd never play this song ever again...